After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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