did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
