I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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