well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
