Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
