I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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