I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
