rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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