so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
