Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
