If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
