1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
