My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
