goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
