mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
