i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You are a genius and a whore.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
