Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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