Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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