Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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