I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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