Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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