The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
