I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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