chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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