My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
