I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
