He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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