we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
