There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
