this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We were destined to go to rehab together
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
