You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Semen is not good for contacts.
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Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
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I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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