She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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