Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
