God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
