He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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