i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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