he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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