he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
