so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
