i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
