I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
