I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
3pm strippers are depressing
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
