I just pynch a tree in the face
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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