Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
