You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
