I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
