Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
