"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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