Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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