Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Randomize
