Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
