If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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