You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
