According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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