can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
