I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
