Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
How naked do you want me to be?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
